Coming Home Early/Notable Things I Have Seen and Witnessed/Thoughts and Musings

So, first things first, The Tour has been cut short, and I'm coming home early. The headliner of the Canadian leg of the tour, dropped off the tour, so we're not going to Canada, and coming home early. It's bittersweet, at once I'm excited to come home and see everyone there, and be able to heal up. For those of you who don't know, I've been fighting some sort of sinus infection/cold thing since almost the beginning of the tour. But I'm also sad to go home, I love the road, and will miss meeting new people every day, and seeing the dudes all the time. I also wanted to be able to say that I've toured the US and Canada, just to be able to say, I've done it.

But anyways

Here's a list of things I've seen/done/witnessed/etc in the past weeks of tour in no particular order:
-The Grand Canyon
-Canyonlands National Park
-The Painted Desert
-The Rockies
-New Mexican Desert
-The Pacific Ocean
-The Atlantic Ocean
-The Gulf Of Mexico
-People we've never met open their homes and feed us.
-Lasting Friendships
-After praying for Red's(the drummer of Man of Sorrows) Wife to miraculously get up and leave the hospital, free of all sickness, getting a call from his wife saying that she left the hospital, free of all sickness.
-Sun Records, Yes The Sun Records where Elvis and Johnny Cash among others were discovered.

living in a van with three other dudes and a dog is interesting. Basically I'm married to them. I've certainly matured, and been toughened up by it. I've learned a lot. I'm going to miss tour a lot, and can't wait to tour myself. I've made a lot of friends who I miss dearly. Sometimes sarcasm can get tiring. I love everyone we've toured with and all the dudes I tour with. I'm going to miss them when I'm gone. I miss all of you too. I'll be home soon

With Love
-Chuck

for the sounded alarms and the sirens of ships wrecked

this is new
this is old
this is me breaking me free
from scathing eyes
and public thought
this is opinion
honest and raw
this is one man's search for G-d
this is one man's search for himself
for answers
for questions
for the peace within himself
for Christ in the every day
past bullshit
and phony
public personas
put on
in an effort
to fit in
past cliché'd
recylcled
unoriginality

RE:lationships

As always I'm continually impressed by high relationship turnover rates especially in and around my own youth group you would think that with the yearly sometimes BI-FREAKING-YEARLY sex/relationship lessons we get that people still go and fornicate (the looooong form of the f word) it up like its their motherfornicating jobs. Not that I'm that much better, but I consider myself a little better than most. But enough about me lets talk about all of you. In my observations you guys cant decide between dating the youth group one person at a time and the utter-yes-we've-all-been-there-heart-wrenching/rendering/rending-I'll-never-love-another-
like-I-love-you-now-please-never-leave-me-ness
Which makes me wonder why do we even date at all. The obvious answer being that we are all hormone drunk sweaty teens tricked into believing that our hearts should be followed and really do have all the answers. The other being that dating, holding hands and having someone to cling to gives us all a warm fuzzy feeling that seems to fill a void in us somewhere. Some people are addicted to that, and can't go to long without trying to fill it with someone else. Whether the succeed or fail is not the point, the point is rather that the are addicted to it. I think that void is actually two that overlap some and are right next to each other one is marked G-d the other that special someone. Now G-d can and should fill both and I believe that he will and will be better for you than any boy or girl ever could. I guess I just wanted you guys to know that. That G-d can fill the void, and he wants to, and that please let him start to fill it before starting to fill it with the special person too. I wanted you all to know that sometimes holding on to relationships long after their expiration dates or injecting more life into them because you're afraid of change isn't healthy, that bouncing around from and through relationships isn't good, that rebounds just cause more pain for everyone involved. That random play and friends with benefits always end with one person violating the agreement and becoming to emotionally invested. That your physical acts, all of them, not just sex, should be kept sacred and never cheapened. I want you all to consider G-d first in the relationship and the other person second. I wanted you all to know that when it's over that you can and should move on learn what you can, thank G-d for it, and continue on your journey. Realize that your love was good for a time. Don't linger. Please realize that I'm still a man and I recently ended a relationship, and right now have a girl or two that haunt my dreams and fill me with a longing for that very type of relationship i talked about so this is for me as much as it is for all of you. I know I'm a hypocrite, aren't we all? I also ask that if you respond to this, please be kind I write this with a heavy heart, not an angry one. with the knowledge that we can all learn from everything here even if we aren't going through it right now. if you feel like I'm calling you out specifically, look into your own heart and see if there is truth.

May the LORD our G-d bless you and keep you.
I love you all, yes, even you.
-Chuck

Might I Say Sir, You Look Dashing This Evening

Throw up
Throw up
G-d I need to throw up
this guilt
in my gut
is threatening to explode
the feeling is building
and I cant stop
killing bottles of
bitterness to shut it up
I need to throw up
I need to throw up
I need to
throw up this pain
or
else
I'll
die

Loss

I feel like I'm losing my best friend, I feel like I'm losing my girlfriend. I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like at total disappointment to both Gene and Brian. I don't sleep well. Honestly, we're not talking days, or weeks or even months. We're talking years. I dont think I slept well since before the 8th grade. I feel like whenever I get done with work, and pouring myself into my friends, anything else like working out or doing immersion assignments or whatever is like being asked to drive to Boston from here on fumes. Maybe I'll quit my internship, or .... I don't know. Would you like to know what I always think about? No matter what I'm doing, I'm not doing it good enough, I mean it. Everything I do, from hygiene to my interning, to my relationships, to what I do at the gym, I'm not doing it good enough. Whose standards? I don't know. Help? Anyone? Someone?
I love all of you
-Chuck

The vines, the cancer. I die, I suffocate.

This cancer has crushed me at my weakest
and hurts me at my best
I have nothing to pull me up
Where is my anchor?
Where is my hope?
I'm choking on this cancer
watch as it consumes my throat
this is longer of me
it is a weed, a growth from my chest
I am consumed in its vines
my legs cannot move
my arms pinned to my sides
I make a desperate last lunge
the vine with life of its own pulls it back
I am suffocating
you cannot see me
I am no longer me
I am part of the undergrowth

I tried to steal the moon from the sky..........

I think Tara still hates me, My thought is, if shes supposed to be making this adult decision, shouldn't she be acting like an adult in this situation also? Apparently thats too much to ask. Everyone who knows, or that I've talked to about this thinks its a very dumb move on their part, so either the entire church is wrong....... or they are..., which do you think makes more sense? Man... oh man... More and more recently, I've had the urge to withdraw into myself. Like to the same level I did when I was in Austria, I don't know why.... Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I'm fed up, maybe I'm confused with all my relationships with my peer group in general. Its hard sometimes to deal with my peers harder than JR. High, actually. Because, we're the same age more or less, so because of that, I expect them to be as mature as I am. Which they aren't for the most part. Not to say I'm the most mature person ever, just more so than most people my age. I think I'm going to buy an ipod touch soon, as a "new job gift to myself" we'll see. I hung out with Emm today, I wish we could've spent some more time together. But... alas no. I love Brave Saint Saturn. Reese's lyrics are hitting me really deep. I work tomorrow, I honestly can't wait. I love sandwich making. Maybe my hiatus will be ending shortly... not sure either way, this jorunal will be available to the public again in about five minutes from right now.
May the Shalom of G-d fall on all of you who read this.

-Chuck

Oide Fuchs

Yeah I'm on hiatus from the facemybookspace . Tara commented my last bog under anonymous as If i wouldn't know it was her. Then she changed her myspace status to "all we're up against is you" which is crap. Because of my different opinion. She hates me now. This has all blown up to fast. I cant handle it right now. Not sure whats going to happen when Sunday comes around. But we'll drive off that bridge when we get to it. I cant describe how emotionality exhausted I am. I hope Brian and I can have lunch tomorrow. We can hope right? I wish i was In Österreich right now. That way I'd be thousands of miles from this, and all I'd have to think about was work. I look forward to work now. More than church. Because at work all I have to think about is making sandwiches. So much easier don't you think? Easier than engagement and my friends hating my opinion, easier than putting me and Em in the middle of this. I wihs she and I could vacation somewhere together. The stress this is putting on us in unreal, and if I don't act quickly it could tear us apart. Oh G-d have mercy on me. Have mercy on us. Have mercy on them. Forgive my hate and anxiety. Forgive them for their anger. Lord my G-d. Deliverer and Friend. I cast this on you because you care for me. Your yoke is light. I love you Jesus.Be grace oh my G-d, be grace.

Mann o Mann Helga

So, My previous blog was read by my best friends Fiancee (it was about the two of them and their engagement) she commented this:

"good if your done then be done and let us be and dont keep telling us were wrong or you think were wrong cuz you dont know who we are and we know whats right for us you dont know what right for us. whats right for one person may not be right for someone else. we are not "your problem" that you have to "deal with" so just let us live our lives the way we see is best."

Is it just me? Or was this written angrily, or attacking-ly? I think so, and its like, I've poured so much of myself into this whole situation eg: several conversations with my Best friend about it some a few hours long, and a few conversations with his fiancee one of which was an hour long, also I;ve had many many conversations with mutual friends and my parents on the subject. Now Dane is thankful about my personal effort in this front, but this is what I get for draining myself to emotional exhaustion from his GF? Uncool. Very Uncool. I mean Wheres the love man? Nowhere apparently. Ugh... she just logged on to AIM. If she IMs me, I'm going to ignore her. I feel hurt and attacked. Anyways

Peace and Love
Chuck

Spent

dont ask for my opinion, stop asking why, stop asking why I believe what I believe, stop telling me that i just don't understand, just stop, I have no more answers, i have nothing else to say. I cant think about anymore, I dont need anymore sleepless nights. Its your lives, they are your problems. Right now, I cant deal with this anymore. I've said my piece. I'm done.

I, am Legend

The morning has been kicking my ass as of late. It's a little annoying, this morning I didnt have to be up till 10:00, My body, however, had different plans. It all but kicked me out of bed at 8:30. Anyways. I've started reading a book called Postmodern Youth Ministry. I have weekly essays due. I had a week to read the first 2 chapters and write the essay, they're due every tuesday. I did it all monday, after dinner. Yeah, I'm lazy. I'm at church right now. I hope Em can stop later on. Anyways. I need to write a new song. I need to, things I write have a tendency to pick me not the other way around. We'll see. Listen to Sons of God, they're in my top friends.

I love you all, even you.

Charlie Chaplin Speaks

This, speech is as relevant when it was filmed as it is today. I love you all, yes even you.
-Chuck

Ezekiel 33:4-6

4 then whoever hears the sound of the trumpet and does not take warning, if the sword comes and takes him away, his blood shall be on his own head. 5 He heard the sound of the trumpet, but did not take warning; his blood shall be upon himself. But he who takes warning will save his life. 6 But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, and the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any person from among them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.’