Tuesday, February 9, 2010

mah storrreehhhh

this is super rough draft of part of chapter 1. just so you know


It had all started when Saul was in the first grade. The playground at is school was directly next to a fairly large hill. The side facing the playground was nearly 90 degrees straight up, and mostly made of rock. It reminded him of the cliffs in the coyote and roadrunner cartoons he would watch with his father on the weekends. It was recess and all the children were out playing. Saul had just returned from using the bathroom when he got a flash of what was to come, like a video playing in his mind, clear as day, without the fog of the mind like normal thoughts have. He saw a girl from his class playing hopscotch next to the hill , and saw her crushed by a rock that had come loose at the top of the hill. He knew this would happen, as sure as he knew he had art class right after recess. Being so young, he had no grasp of the fact that this was unique and assuming it was normal, he looked around waiting for one of the adults to run over and stop it. When no one did anything, he ran over to one of the teachers and, nearly crying, asked "Aren't you going to do something?" The teacher looked down with a worried expression "Do something about what? What's wrong?" Exasperated and annoyed at his teacher's obvious ignorance he shouted " Rachel is going to get hurt? Don't you know?" then suddenly pressed with the knowledge that the rock was about to fall, he ran "Hurt? Hurt how? the teacher shouted after him. But Saul was already fast approaching the other side of the playground where Rachel was standing. He started dragging her away, under loud protest from her and her friends, who were obviously offended he had broken up their game and that it was a boy doing it. Saul didn't care. Rachel turned around to bite down on Saul's arm and stopped mid bite as she saw a rock bigger than her tumble down and stop where she had just been standing. Then in that moment, made suddenly aware of her own mortality, Rachel started half crying half shrieking while holding onto Saul as if the world itself would fall down around her if she dared let go.
None of the teachers understand exactly what had happened. They tried explaining it."Maybe Saul noticed the rock looking like it was coming loose." Said one, as they sat in the teacher's lounge, discussing what had happened over coffee. "No," said another "The rock was at the very top of the hill, he no one could've seen it from down on the playground. " The teachers disccused almost every day for about a week before becoming exhausting every possible explanation and eventually just wrote it off as 'one of those things' and forgot about it.
Saul got free ice cream for a week from the cafeteria, Rachel did too, just as a matter of principle.
Recess for the rest of the month was in the gym. As workers installed a net over the rock face so as to prevent anything like that from happening ever again. During recess a few days later, Saul walked over to Rachel who, still shaken from everything that had happened, was sitting in the corner reading quietly. " Are you ok?" Saul asked quietly, Rachel looked up "Sorta..." she trailed off "You were really brave for saving me!" Saul blushed " I guess so," there was a pause as they both searched for what to say next. They both started talking again at the same time blurting out " Hey do you wanna..." Rachel stopped "Sorry," she said "Go on" Saul blushed again "would you wanna play candyland with me?" " I love that game!" Rachel exclaimed. From that day forward, Rachel and Saul were inseperable. Saul was eventually accepted by Rachel's other friends, who were, at first, both annoyed and angry that rachel was hanging out with a boy, but eventually they over looked their differences and Saul was treated like just another member of the gang. Saul was just thankful to have a group a friends around him.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

So this is the new year?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A confession

I have a confession, this weighed on my heart for some time now. Are you ready for it? Here goes, I hate the song "our god is an awesome god" can't stand it. Don't get me wrong, I used to like it when I was 7. But I am in dire need of an explanation of why anyone sings it anymore. Does anyone actually remember the words? I mean, besides the chorus, everyone knows the chorus. I mean the versus. Anyone? No? Didn't think so. I remember one line, "When He rolls up His sleeves, He ain't just puttin' on the ritz" Really? Putting on the ritz? This sounds like a song that Sinatra might be down with. It also reminds of my time in the elementary school chorus, singing old Broadway show tunes.

I'm of the opinion that once a worship song reaches Internet meme status it's time to put it away, get together with the all the balding worship leaders in your area, and give it the funeral it deserves, qui gon gin style and for those of you unfamiliar with the guy he was obi-wan kenobi's master, and he was cremated at the end of star wars episode one. Burn it, get rid of it even that secret floppy disc hidden in your desk.

I used to think that god was a huge fan of worship music whenever it was played. But as I was reading some psalms earlier I came across a line that wrecked my notions.

The psalm has God himself first demanding the unwavering attention of the planet then he gets a little upset. He asks if we think he happens to be in dire need of songs, if we think he needs music, which He says He breathed into life in the first place. The question seems to ask "then why do you keep singing when you don't mean it?"

The worship songs we sing can get stale after a while. The go from excitedly praising God and reminding us of who we are to dull lifeless songs we sing because we always have or because everyone else is singing why have we developed an allergy to getting rid of things like this when they no longer have life? Further on in the slam God even says that dead praise might actually make him angry. God doesn't care about the song, he cares about the heart behind it , he cares that you do it to the best of your ability.

And if changing up the songs or throwing some away completely then do it, do whatever it takes.


Monday, May 25, 2009

Adrifter II: Starfarer

Here it is beginning to end, I consider this to be my magnus opus.... so far anyway. I hope you enjoy it

Entry 1: Brief and permanent
No, no, no
I was just outside
just outside
What could I have missed?
What could I have missed?
My love
dear love
Please wake up
just wake up
This isn't really happening
This isn't really happening

My willpower gone
leaning against a wall, her head in my lap
I can't even cry.

I stumble to the bridge
Though I fall, I feel no pain
my head is spinning

I wake up in my room
I don't remember walking here

She's gone forever ever isn't she?

Entry 2: The blurring of time.
I remember now
fixing the systems
and setting a course for home

staring out the windows
watching as the stars go by
Hours beget days
days beget weeks.

I feel not the passage of time
it is obscured by the pain.

the alarms stir me from my trance
how long were they sounding?

Entry 3: Space's cruelty
What did I do to deserve this?
Please, give me a sign
give me some sort of idea
how will I ever make it home With a dead ship?
Forget this forget you
still numb
my wavering spirit
could not bear another uphill battle
so I must leave this grave
how can I bear to abandon her in space?
a part of my heart died when I left
I will never get it back.
This black abyss is cruel.

Entry 4: Timelessness
There is no time here
no day or night
hours pass without notice
while I beg forgiveness for leaving her behind
I can no longer tell
if I am awake
or sleeping
draining fuel cells
all power to life support
let me drift

Entry 5: Adrifter
is this my calling
so far out from home
I wish i was inside that ship

These stars are my only companions
and they all look the same

If ever I get home
will it truly be home?
without you there

and all I hear,
is the sound of you singing in my mind

blink once you're here
blink twice you're gone

My mind starts to quaver

is my heart still beating?
Is my blood still moving?
Is my pulse still marching?
am I still breathing?

Its hard not to be hopeless
when there is nothing to look forward to

I can't seem to stop listening to your singing in my mind

Entry 6: Remembrances, Contemplations and Suffocation.
I gaze out at the starlight
To think I would die surrounded by stars.....
To feel you near me again
I would give all the oxygen I have left
I feel this life is draining
draining out
I feel like I'm drowning in midair

I heard tell once
That the Hand of the Mighty
saved a man from the depths of the sea
Will the G-d who saved him save me?

The sleep over takes me
I can no longer breath

Entry 7: Homecoming
Day 1: Rescue.
from the edge of death
pulled back
to live again
and for what?
I would have died
I could have been by her side again

Oh holy God
you should have let me die

Entering Earth's orbit
I wonder what will happen next

Day 2:Unrequited Hero
never have I felt lonelier in a crowd
I can barely stand crushing silence of the white noise around me
Staring at someone in the mirror
They say it's me
I don't recognize the man
I died among the stars

I miss the quiet

I smile and shake hands
accept the praise
grin at cameras

empty gestures
I feel nothing

what life is worth living with no one to share it with?

gone so long from home
I do not recognize those I used to know

Staring at the mirror
I am lost in it's reflection
Who am I anymore?

Day 3: Suicide and Change.
I can barely stand the crushing
silence of this empty house

the quiet is louder than any noise

what I wouldn't give
that it was me instead of her.

she was perfect
I am a wretch of a man
why would she love someone like me

chocking back tears
change must begin

do I buy the gun
and pull the trigger?

do I buy the rope
and tie it around my neck?

do I buy the knife
and run it through my heart?

do I end it all?
is there hope?
do I end it all?

G-d please make up my mind
Gun in hand
My hand trembles

Is anyone out there listening?

do I pull the trigger?

Friday, May 15, 2009

german translation

Ich bin kein Interesse mehr an einen Glauben, dass die Linien hinter immaterielle Ursachen und Veränderungen im Lebensstil. Ich nicht mehr werden sich Menschen, die Spenden an wohltätige Organisationen, aber Spaziergang, vorbei an den Bettler, als ob er nicht existiert. Ich werde nicht mehr schweigen, wie meine Kollegen schreien, gegen die Misshandlung von Tieren, aber nichts tun, die Welt zu verändern Hunger-Krise. Die Bowery Mission in New York City folgt einer einfachen Philosophie, wenn es dient Lebensmittel, zuerst das Haus, dann die Straßen, auf diese Weise müssen wir uns selbst anwenden. Mit den Krisen, die unsere Welt, in der wir handeln müssen in eine konkrete Art und Weise.

Viel wirkungsvoller als schriftlich eine Überprüfung so einige andere Leute tun können, die Arbeit geht und die Arbeit selbst tun. Nun kann ich Liste von Statistiken und Fakten über all die Grausamkeiten auf einer täglichen Basis, aber Sie haben alle gehört, vor. Aber wenn Sie gar nichts tun, dann können Sie auch den Abzug betätigen Sie, wenn Sie sind nicht Teil der Lösung, werden Sie Teil des Problems.

Was mich betraf die Kindersoldaten im Kongo sind nur so viele Opfer von Joseph Kony der terroristischen der Tagesordnung, wie sie sind reich Minderheit Apathie. und das ist nur ein Beispiel.

Man könnte sagen, dass sie nicht in der Lage zu reisen, um die schrecklichen Teilen der Welt zu tun, und das ist OK, aber Sie sind in keiner Weise aus dem Schneider. Es gibt Menschen buchstäblich in Ihrer Stadt, die auf Ihre Hilfe angewiesen. Tun Sie etwas dagegen, etwas, die Lösung sein. Wenn dies etwas für Sie die Übergabe etwas Geld, dass Sie wahrscheinlich ohnehin gewohnt verpassen, dann haben Sie die Nummer vollständig. Wenn Sie gute Taten haben die größten Auswirkungen? Wenn sie eine tatsächliche Opfer.

Würde die Erlösung der Welt etwas zu bedeuten, wenn jemand Jesus nicht sterben, um für sie?

Dies ist nicht zu sagen, was für Ihr Geld ist falsch an und für sich, aber meiner Meinung nach, ist es sinnlos, wenn es nicht auch durch eine Art von Maßnahmen. In der gleichen Weise kurzfristig Mission Reisen sind bedeutungslos, es sei denn, Sie nehmen es als ein Stichwort zu leben, wie ein Diener 24 / 7 365. Ist mir egal, wie groß der ein Erlebnis, wenn Sie sich nicht ändern lassen Sie in gewisser Weise.

NICHT bete zu G-tt für die Änderung, die Sie nicht bereit sind, sich selbst zu tun, manchmal Sie sind die Antwort auf Ihre Gebete.

Etwas tun. Etwas wirkungsvoller, etwas Sinnvolles, tun Sie es heute tun es jeden Tag.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Adrifter I: Jonah

Here it is from start to finish, I hope you like it.

1-Running, Not Running to You, Running Away From You.

I am a wanted man
Wanted for some greater purpose
that feels thrust upon me
I do not want this, I do not want you
Leave me alone
Where can I run? Away, Surely.
I do not want to run to you
I will live my own life
On my own
I awake from a dream
Men were shouting "Throw him overboard, Throw him overboard!"
This means something
so, I will run to the shore
Leaving all I know behind
I will find a new life
Somewhere in the sea

2-Sitting by the Sea ( How Many Miles?)
How many heartaches till I find that one?
What is the meaning of our meeting?
Was it all just coincidence,
or was it just some sick joke played by the fates?
I think there's a greater purpose here.
G-d has a plan,
or at least I need to think so.
If not I think I'll go insane.
Though its not too bad, I've been there before.
Nice to visit, though I'd never live there.
Let's get together sometime,
we'll converse about what could be someday
but sometimes.... sometimes...
sometimes, I wonder though.
How many miles from one heart to another?
How many feet from soul to soul?
I think the distance is just too far.
I'll never make it.
I think I'll sit and stare at the ocean
and wait as the tide covers me
wondering about what could be .
I think I'm being dragged out to sea
But I don't care, I just hope one day,
I'll wash ashore, somewhere.
somewhere closer to you.

3-This Silent Ocean, This Brilliant Sunlight
I'm drowning, drowning, in this sea
some invisible hand shoving my head under water
every time I try to catch a breath,
my arms flailing, legs kicking
attempting to tread water
treading water, this frozen, cold water
water, treading water, this cold water
My lungs fill up, I'm drowning now.
I cant see your face
I cant even see my limbs for the darkness of the ocean floor
content now with where I am. knowing where my hopw lies
I sleep, knowing that soon,
I will see the face of my maker
I will rejoice,
I was cold, but now am warm
Was drowning, but now can breath
was cold, but now I'm warm
In this sunlight, this brilliant sunlight.

*(interlude) Not Now (How I was Near Death/Plans for Me Yet)
not yet my child
though you are yet finished in this vast sea
your time to join me is not now

*the Adrifter coughs and gasps for air*

These waves have been my only companion
for days
bordering on insanity
choking on my own tongue
salt water is all i have to drink
sun scorching my skin
this driftwood i cling to
is all that is keeping me afloat
I once thought my journey done
as I sank to the ocean floor
but G-d had something for me yet
As I look around
i see
nothing but waves
for miles around me
I cling to some hope of land though these waters are large
and I am quite small.
tossed about in this ocean
the clouds darken and a chill sets in
My companions take on an evil tone
I feel a storm rolling in

5-The Storm, One for the Ages.
Dear G-d this storm is raging
I know I must weather it
but keep me safe
To be rescued from the depths only to die in this maelstrom
is not your plan
I have no idea how to save myself from this
but only though you
I am knocked back and forth
back and forth
One moment I am flying, the other drowning
where is the eye of this storm?
only for a moment my son
but now
I am sorry, but back into the hurricane you must go

Sweet reprieve, now gone
I cling only to myself and to You.

6-Purpose, Planning. Brought from The Sea, Into New Life.
wake up, wake my son, sweet Adrifter
you have reached land
now to the city you must go
Run! Run Quickly !
I will give you the strength you need.

I now have purpose, There is planning to be done, but I have purpose.
Sprinting for the city.
I now know what I must do.
I will be unstoppable
For I was thrown into the sea by my own doing
but now I was brought from from the deep
and through the storm
by The Hand Of G-d
Though there be rocks before me
I shall not fear.
If this what real life feels like
I want more.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Joker, Resignations, World Hunger, and September 11th

The Joker: "Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds!"

A few months ago, a friend of mine resigned from his post as youth pastor, the reasons made sense. I find it odd that me and most everyone I know who has found out flipped when they first heard it. It didn't fit with the plan, the unconscious plan we all had, that this wouldn't be the case. We don't like it when things don't follow the plan. And everyone knows the plan, the way things should be and ought to be. These people die, these people don't. Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes--one child every five seconds. A fact easily found, did any of you even flinch as you read that? No, not at all. Because it's part of the plan. On Sept. 11th 2,974 died, and the nation was thrown into disarray. More than 5 times that number (2,974) die every day, EVERY DAY. But no one flinches because that fits into the plan. I think People need to care about this. Someone estimated that, to provide the entire world clean water and food,to solve this crisis, it would cost roughly 20 Billion dollars. America, spends that much on Ice cream, in a year. Where are our priorities?

I did not mean to trivialize the tragedy that was Sept. 11th, 2001. That day was burned into my mind forever, and I have no connections to it. I cannot fathom what it must be like for those that do. I simply used the statistics to point out a flaw in our mindset. America is not the world, we are a small part of a global community, but we don't act like it.

Friday, April 24, 2009

We Are the Peacemakers, We Are the Forces Of Change.

I am no longer interested in a faith that lines up behind intangible causes and lifestyle changes. I no longer will abide people who donate to charities but walk past the beggar as if he does not exist. I will no longer be silent as my peers cry out against the mistreatment of animals but do nothing to change the world hunger crisis. The Bowery Mission in NYC follows one simple philosophy when it serves food, first the house then the streets, in this way we must apply ourselves. With the crises affecting our world we must act in a tangible way.

Much more impactful than writing a check so some other people can do the work, is going out and doing the work yourself. Now I can list statistics and facts about all of the atrocities committed on a daily basis, but you have all heard them before. But if you do nothing, then you might as well pull the trigger yourself, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Yes, the humans dying every day from pointless wars starvation and greed are very much victims of the horrible people who literally do commit these crimes against humanity, but they are, in my opinion also victims of the rich minority's apathy.

One might say they do not have the ability to travel to the more horrible parts of the world to do anything, and that's OK, but you are in no way off the hook. There are people literally in your town who need your help. DO something about it, anything, be the solution. If this doing something to you involves handing over some money that you probably wont miss anyway, then you have missed the point entirely. When do good deeds have the most impact? When they require actual sacrifice. Would the redemption of the world mean anything to anybody if Jesus didn't have die to for it?

This is not to say giving of your money is wrong in and of itself, but in my opinion, it is meaningless, if it is not also accompanied by some sort of action. In the same way short term mission trips are meaningless unless you take it as a cue to live as a servant 24/7 365. I do not care how great of an experience if you do not let it change you in some way.

DO NOT pray to G-d for change you are not willing to do yourself, sometimes YOU are the answer to your prayers.

DO something. Something impactful, Something meaningful, do it today, do it every day.

Friday, February 27, 2009

some new stuff

Get Up. Be Fake. Sleep. Repeat.

Your lack of conviction astounds me
you stand there in your suit and jacket
looking around
admiring how righteous you are
But really your soul is rotting from the inside out
Live this life or dont
I can not abide this any longer
not in my house
not in this place
You think you're fooling everyone
but I see through you
you are no better
than a whitewashed death camp
clean on the surface
but reeking of death
You are luke warm water in my mouth and I will spit you out

This Frozen Ocean, This Brillaint Sunlight

I'm drowning, drowning, in this sea
some invisible hand shoving my head under water
every time I try to catch a breath,
my arms flailing, legs kicking
attempting to tread water
treading water, this frozen, cold water
water, treading water, this cold water
My lungs fill up, I'm drowning now.
I cant see your face
I cant even see my limbs for the darkness of the ocean floor
content now with where I am. knowing where my hopw lies
I sleep, knowing that soon,
I will see the face of my maker
I will rejoice,
I was cold, but now am warm
Was drowning, but now can breath
was cold, but now I'm warm
In this sunlight, this brilliant sunlight.