Thursday, December 20, 2007

and I sit here, lost

disclaimer, this is NOT in ANY way a suicide note or anything of the sort, I love my life thank you very much, and I intend to live it out till i die in whatever way G-d would have me die, all words herein are used as metaphor, symbols, similes and other literary devices being used to a poetic end)

I started a love song
its going to end as a suicide note
every day, you're not here,
feels like weeks,
as i sit here utterly lost,
wont you,wont you return
my heart and soul are bursting at the seams
return,return to me
I'm sitting here
and its 2 AM staring at the windows
no one checks in this late
call, won't you?
and every day you're not here
feels like weeks
and I would give anything for a few seconds in your company
my heart is bursting at the seams
and i sit here... lost

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Don’t you dare, don’t you dare come back.

This, this, this
this isn't how it was supposed to go,
I came screaming back from the dead,

and
You and I, we didn't stop until we hit the beginning
Now we're on a fast track to the end,
and we'll hit every red light and traffic jam in this town
Don't you dare come back

This didn't seem too appetizing to start,
this isn't how it was supposed to go

You and I we didn't stop until we hit the beginning
now we're on the fast track to the end
and we'll hit every red light and traffic jam in this town
Dont you dare leave!

You think you're a rebel?

You think you're on the edge? You think you're out there? So.. you drink you smoke and do drugs, you have sex... a lot of it...... just like every other aimless adolescent who is too caught up in their narcissistic self indulgence to think. You wanna be different? Be non conformist? heres a thought, stay clean, you might just be part of the shrinking bunch of kids who can still function. At least be fucking honest. You're not doing it to be out there and to rebel, stop telling us that. You're doing it to fit in. I'd rather be able to form coherent thoughts than walk around in a inebriated haze. Guys, you think you're so tough and manly because you fuck at the drop of a hat? What takes more strength, what's a better test of your willpower, What proves you have stones? Giving in to whatever tempts you, or waiting out?

Minor Threat - Out Of Step

I Don't smoke
Don't drink
Don't fuck
At least I can fucking think

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Blah-gger

so, to those of you who'll read this, heres my new blog space, myspace will still be updated with everything thats here and I've already done the Vice Versa. This is really so non-myspace friends can keep up. Take a look at my poems, ramblings and songs, apparently some people enjoy what i have to say......


I love you all, yes, even you.

Peace, Love, Rock N' Roll
-Chuck

Poems, Inc

Over the months In Austria, I would very often find myself writing songs and poems, most of them haven't seen the light of day, until now. Here they are..... Enjoy.


One More Night at the Masquerade

Walk through the room,
no one is what they seem
its the same week after week
oh, dear God don't hurt them
just show them
tell them
they wont listen to me
they wear masks to hide the sin
shake this illusion
face the fact,
take off the mask
stop the show
we all have problems
oh God just show them
I cant take another night at the masquerade



Untitled
this isnt what it seems, what you see is what you get
your lies will come back to haunt you
and you will be found out
your life will fall down around you
i wont save you when it all comes apart
because without hurt nothing changes
but i will be with you to pick up the pieces
dont think you're in this alone
i will be there
you are not alone
love endures
love never loses faith

conversation with the slowly suicidal

bad decisions hurt more than just you
you say you want to stop
while guiding the gun to your mouth
and inhaling the poison
theres a clear distinction between
saying you will and actually wanting to
imagine a bullet that takes 50 years to reach its target
don't cheat yourself of life
but still
you say you want to stop
all the while pulling the trigger
to release a slow but sure bullet
it feels so good
in-ignorance is also bliss





       HATE
       O
       P
 LOVE

Thrown.....

Do you ever find it ironic, that its hard to believe in love? I do. This force that's supposed to be the primary driving force in everything I do, and I can't bring myself to trust that I could ever be loved romantically.... maybe I'm too convinced that all that shit I've done exempts me from that sort of thing..... or maybe I'm to fucked up from random bouts of depression.... recently i have randomly felt extremely sad, to the point of tears, and I don't know why.... I think I know where this current feeling comes from but for fear of being laughed at and turned down I dare not mention the specifics. Needless to say, as the first part of my blog has pointed to, I have started to fall for this girl. If you bring it up, I'll undoubtedly laugh it off and make some sort of quasi-humorous self-deprecating statement.
When I was dating Beth... I was generally convinced (though I would never say it out loud) that I was , for no reason, convinced that our relationship was one sided. maybe that had to do with the fact that she, not I, broke up with me twice.... and I was the one who grew a pair and apologized. By the way, Did I ever mention ..... I guess I have to a few people, that that one day in June when when i got the dump-email, later that evening I was home alone, and had set myself on drinking ANY alcohol in the house, I didn't want to hurt anymore..... But thankfully, there was none to be found and I stayed blessedly sober, it was at that point that I decided to become straight edge and will stay that way for life, vowing to never find myself in a drunken stupor. though I came close a few times there in Austria. More than once I decided to go down to the pub and get really fucking drunk... though the one saving grace was the thought "You said you wouldn't, remember?"
So back to his girl I think I'm falling for, but I doubt she'll reciprocate, I fear she'll read this blog, and never talk to me again and I'll inevitably be the lifelong loner, quietly singing forlorn love songs to myself. I remember Bryn telling me once that I was built to be a husband, and I' have sustained myself with the fact "Why would God build a feature he would never have me use?" But, I now have my self half-convinced that he built so it wouldn't be used to teach some ridiculous lifelong lesson. That scares me. I really do wish i had a solid reason to believe in love. but I have myself convinced that all romance relationships are one-sided. I don't know why.....

Help? I don't want drown in these thoughts.

Hugh Laurie on Rasing His Daughter

"Girls are complicated. The instruction manual that comes with girls is 800 pages, with chapters 14, 19, 26 and 32 missing, and it's badly translated."

I work with primarily girls during Jr. High youth group, I found this quote particularly appropriate.

Something is definetly wrong

I've discovered quite a growing trend on the internet. A lot of Christians seem to be waging Jihad on all Christian bands that don't measure up too their own idea of what "Good Christians" should and should not be doing. A quick jaunt thru your most convenient Christian message boards will show people denouncing everyone from P.O.D to Amy Grant. Whats wrong with this? People's personal convictions/opinions seem to turn into Holy Writ and when someone does not have the same opinions well then by golly, that just ain't Christian! They then use shaky biblical references to back up their backwards thinking, or give broad and generalized examples of what is so offensive, all the while completely ignoring any evidence to the contrary. They'll latch on to a quasi-offensive thing and blow that up into what, in their minds what must be a prime example of whats is "terrible sin". This occasionally goes into the extreme, people saying that they cant possibly be Christians because of this and that and because so and so said this word or that phrase however off-handed or tongue in cheek.

Its fascinating that the same person who is denouncing the actions of one person may be the same one who flips off other drivers while cusses like a sailor when in bad traffic, or has a pornography addiction or gossips etc. Mathew 7: 3-5 says this:
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

IF the artist is being blatantly sinful ( Promiscuity drug/alcohol addiction etc) then saying I love Jesus while on stage, then yes call them out on it, but just because P.O.D uses Jah instead of Jesus and this or that band doesn't use the words Jesus/Lord/God in each song doesn't mean they're not Christian, stop making everyone live up to your standards. Mathew 7:1

1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you
.

crystal clear words from a void of ambiguity

his'll be the last time i write to you
every thing seems to be turning blue
and life itself has fizzled down
to its most important parts
g-d the father g-d the son g-d the spirit live through us all
and this world while fleeting for now
or so it seems will come alive again i
n the end when all things are new and g-d will come to live with us again.
a luxury we haven't been able to afford since that fateful day
in the garden when we ate the fateful fruit.
and right then oh right then we were bankrupt
and couldn't muster up enough cash
to pay for another day of walking through the garden with our abba.
when this life seems point less, rest assured that it wont always be that way
and you can find hope.
I will lend you my ear, or my hand
or whatever ligament or organ you seem to require.
stumble up to my door and ask
just ask and it will be given
i found peace in my heart
shall i share it with you?
before i end this
eclectic
collection of ideas
shall i share the peace with you?
oh i want to
but you may not be ready
but we'll start with this
i will hold on to you
in my mind and in my arms
knowing someone cares
is the first step to peace
in mind and body and spirit

amen, goodnight, goodbye

-signed, I

Should Our Ships Set Sail?

Should our ships set sail, for better waters?
this ragtag crew is one less than it was
shall we stay here next to the grave site?
Or shall we leave this place called Luctus?
My heart knows not what to feel
as i never really knew this member of the crew.
My face is wet with the mourning dew
Be peace to me and my Captain, O' God
Be Peace.

THE SONG OF THE SHEPHERD, THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND HALLELUJAHS MAKES ALL THINGS NEW

THE SONG OF THE SHEPHERD, THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND HALLELUJAHS MAKES ALL THINGS NEW

PART I
THE AFTERMATH OF THE FALL OF MAN
Pray for your forgiveness
and I will pray for mine
We all die here
time after time
after time
after time
after time
O' Serpent! O' Adam!
Curse you
For we all fall daily
on your account

PART II
THE SHEPHERD KING COMETH
I stand among the trees
on this slowly dying Earth
and climb to the top
of the highest branches
and shout to all those below
O' hark ye men of creation
For, Jesus, He comes soon,
For no man knows the day
or the hour
Thou church!
Why do you not love one another?
When the Shepherd returns
to the sound of trumpets
He will search for His sheep
in sanctuaries and behind pulpits
and find only a few
He will turn then to the streets,
gutters,
alleys,
and prisons
He will find many
and bring them all home
to the wedding feast

PART III
THE END BRINGS THE BEGINNING
The words of the prophets have been fulfilled
The sun darkens,
the stars fall,
The old Earth fades away and heaven comes down
The glory of God in His holy city blinds me
I cry out
Oh my God! Let me see you!
For your glory has blinded this sinner's eyes
I then heard wings of an angel come to me
She touched a coal to my heart,
eyes,
and lips
She said
your sins are forgiven,
and your heart sanctified
your lips made pure
and your eyes opened
Look to His glory
He Was
and Is
and Is to Come
He is the great I Am
and He will reign forever and ever
I saw God
and knew that all the Hell in my life was forever taken away
and all sadness
and weariness
would be eternally ceased

PART IV
PRAISE HIM FROM WHOM GRACE FLOWS
O' God
This world is not my place
I am but a visitor here
I am but
a speck
a flash
a drip
on eternity
But my life through you
is complete
Praise your name forever and ever
From the heights of eternity
to the depths of forever
Make me clean Jesus
hold me to you always
so that I may find rest