Loss

I feel like I'm losing my best friend, I feel like I'm losing my girlfriend. I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like at total disappointment to both Gene and Brian. I don't sleep well. Honestly, we're not talking days, or weeks or even months. We're talking years. I dont think I slept well since before the 8th grade. I feel like whenever I get done with work, and pouring myself into my friends, anything else like working out or doing immersion assignments or whatever is like being asked to drive to Boston from here on fumes. Maybe I'll quit my internship, or .... I don't know. Would you like to know what I always think about? No matter what I'm doing, I'm not doing it good enough, I mean it. Everything I do, from hygiene to my interning, to my relationships, to what I do at the gym, I'm not doing it good enough. Whose standards? I don't know. Help? Anyone? Someone?
I love all of you
-Chuck

The vines, the cancer. I die, I suffocate.

This cancer has crushed me at my weakest
and hurts me at my best
I have nothing to pull me up
Where is my anchor?
Where is my hope?
I'm choking on this cancer
watch as it consumes my throat
this is longer of me
it is a weed, a growth from my chest
I am consumed in its vines
my legs cannot move
my arms pinned to my sides
I make a desperate last lunge
the vine with life of its own pulls it back
I am suffocating
you cannot see me
I am no longer me
I am part of the undergrowth

I tried to steal the moon from the sky..........

I think Tara still hates me, My thought is, if shes supposed to be making this adult decision, shouldn't she be acting like an adult in this situation also? Apparently thats too much to ask. Everyone who knows, or that I've talked to about this thinks its a very dumb move on their part, so either the entire church is wrong....... or they are..., which do you think makes more sense? Man... oh man... More and more recently, I've had the urge to withdraw into myself. Like to the same level I did when I was in Austria, I don't know why.... Maybe I'm afraid, maybe I'm fed up, maybe I'm confused with all my relationships with my peer group in general. Its hard sometimes to deal with my peers harder than JR. High, actually. Because, we're the same age more or less, so because of that, I expect them to be as mature as I am. Which they aren't for the most part. Not to say I'm the most mature person ever, just more so than most people my age. I think I'm going to buy an ipod touch soon, as a "new job gift to myself" we'll see. I hung out with Emm today, I wish we could've spent some more time together. But... alas no. I love Brave Saint Saturn. Reese's lyrics are hitting me really deep. I work tomorrow, I honestly can't wait. I love sandwich making. Maybe my hiatus will be ending shortly... not sure either way, this jorunal will be available to the public again in about five minutes from right now.
May the Shalom of G-d fall on all of you who read this.

-Chuck