Thrown.....

Do you ever find it ironic, that its hard to believe in love? I do. This force that's supposed to be the primary driving force in everything I do, and I can't bring myself to trust that I could ever be loved romantically.... maybe I'm too convinced that all that shit I've done exempts me from that sort of thing..... or maybe I'm to fucked up from random bouts of depression.... recently i have randomly felt extremely sad, to the point of tears, and I don't know why.... I think I know where this current feeling comes from but for fear of being laughed at and turned down I dare not mention the specifics. Needless to say, as the first part of my blog has pointed to, I have started to fall for this girl. If you bring it up, I'll undoubtedly laugh it off and make some sort of quasi-humorous self-deprecating statement.
When I was dating Beth... I was generally convinced (though I would never say it out loud) that I was , for no reason, convinced that our relationship was one sided. maybe that had to do with the fact that she, not I, broke up with me twice.... and I was the one who grew a pair and apologized. By the way, Did I ever mention ..... I guess I have to a few people, that that one day in June when when i got the dump-email, later that evening I was home alone, and had set myself on drinking ANY alcohol in the house, I didn't want to hurt anymore..... But thankfully, there was none to be found and I stayed blessedly sober, it was at that point that I decided to become straight edge and will stay that way for life, vowing to never find myself in a drunken stupor. though I came close a few times there in Austria. More than once I decided to go down to the pub and get really fucking drunk... though the one saving grace was the thought "You said you wouldn't, remember?"
So back to his girl I think I'm falling for, but I doubt she'll reciprocate, I fear she'll read this blog, and never talk to me again and I'll inevitably be the lifelong loner, quietly singing forlorn love songs to myself. I remember Bryn telling me once that I was built to be a husband, and I' have sustained myself with the fact "Why would God build a feature he would never have me use?" But, I now have my self half-convinced that he built so it wouldn't be used to teach some ridiculous lifelong lesson. That scares me. I really do wish i had a solid reason to believe in love. but I have myself convinced that all romance relationships are one-sided. I don't know why.....

Help? I don't want drown in these thoughts.